Zen: The Art of Nothing

In an age where identity and independence are given foremost importance, those who want to go the traditional way, i.e. let their parents choose their life partner, find themselves in a dilemma. Is this the best thing to do? Several questions come up, because after all, this is a decision that will affect the rest of your life, potentially many decades.

The first question you should be asking yourself is whether you should be getting married, at all. If you find a good enough reason to do so, we come to the question of how we’d be able to take the right decision.

It would be wise to look at a few parameters first – Would you say that you are a good judge of people? Do you frequently find that friends turned out to be quite different from what you first imagined them to be? How about your parents? Would you say that they are a good judge of people? Have they been able to offer you sound advice regarding your friends, and been right? A fair analysis of these questions would give you a good idea of who has a better capability to assess people – and this is important, because people are on their best behaviour when seeking out their life partner.

Now if you’re good at assessing people, no problem, right? Go ahead and make your choice. But if you would rather let your parents take the lead, here are a few more pointers to keep in mind.

If your parents were to choose a partner for you, what is of foremost importance is whether they truly understand you. Or do they have a stereotyped image of you in mind, labeling you based on a few incidents from your past? If a person does not understand you as a person, how would they know who you would be compatible with?

Also, no matter who is choosing a partner for you, everyone is eventually just looking for one type of person – the sort of partner THEY would want for themselves. Very rarely does anyone have your needs in mind, and this is because we all have an image of the perfect partner drawn up in our minds based on our own needs, and we apply this standard to everyone. So, it is important to find out what qualities your parents prioritise in a person, and whether those are the same things you seek.

Many times, parents are more worried about the financial status, the history of the family, the security, etc, than the actual compatibility of the couple. This could be disastrous, even more so if the family is using it’s financial or social status to hide the internal dynamics of their family.

Ultimately, no matter who you choose, there will be a few surprises and a few disappointments. Marriage is more about giving, than receiving and this is a bond one must enter with that attitude. As a man, you would need to take extra care that your new wife is able to adjust to the new environment. She is often in shock because things turn out be drastically different from the way her family does it. As a woman, you need to be aware that things will be different, and just because they are different, does not mean that they are wrong. A new addition to the family changes old family equations and everyone needs time to readjust.

Frequently, a young man or woman will walk in for therapy, and when I ask them what it is they want, they quip that they want help because they are unable to get married. And when I ask them why, the answers are varied, sometimes even non-existent.

While on the one hand today’s generation is raised to be independent and individualistic, they are also largely raised to seek happiness outside of themselves. Add to this years of conditioning through movies that there is ‘the one’ waiting for you just as desperately as you are waiting for him/her, and it is a dangerous combination.

If you cannot be happy when single, it is highly unlikely that you will be happy when in a relationship. Granted – a new relationship has the potential to bring untold ‘highs’, leaving you reeling and starry eyed. But when the magic fades, you are left to cope with the same miseries that plagued you before the relationship. Many studies show that the high today lasts for about 2 years, before people are back to the level of happiness they were at, before marriage.

A marriage has the highest chances for success if it is entered by two individuals who have a desire to share, to give, instead of expectations, and a desire to receive. And even then, it is still a chance, because people change. What may be perfect for you today, may not be perfect for you twenty years down the line.

So, is marriage worth it? The answer varies widely. For a person who seeks happiness in a relationship, it would be worth it for a couple of years, following which the situation might be quite different. For an independent person who just isn’t ready for a relationship, it might bring them years of misery. And for yet another person, it might be a life changing opportunity, meeting a person who they can embrace in totality, and who embraces them for who they are, helping each other lift up to greater levels of awareness and bliss.

It is a personal choice which is bound to bring difficult times if not thought through carefully, or blissful times if entered into as one would enter a temple – head bowed and hands joined.

I was recently asked to fill a ‘Know Me’ questionnaire at office, to be pinned up on the notice-board. One of the fields was ‘Role Model’. Not a very unusual one, but it got me thinking.

Why do we need a role model? To me, having a role model is nothing but a weakness – you restrict yourself by wanting to be like someone else.

When a friend of mine was asked why he wasn’t following his very successful parents’ footsteps by joining their business, he said, ‘I am walking in their footsteps. Just like them, I’m starting from scratch and carving my own career!’

What we need to learn from icons is their approach to life, problems, and ability to remain calm in apparently disastrous situations. We need to follow the direction in which they walked, not the path they took.

It is often said that there is no set formula for success. I disagree. A study of successes will reveal the same common factors – perseverance, working smart, not necessarily hard, dedication and focus. An age old proverb sums this up very well – “The man who wakes up one morning to find himself famous has not been asleep”

Tej Parkhiji says ‘Sabki Geeta alag hai’, implying that everyone has different lessons to learn. In the same vein, everyone striving towards success, faces different problems and requires different approaches to deal with them. Problems can be solved effectively only if you analyze and solve the situation yourself, and not when you try to find out how your role model solved it – his situation might have been different.

Chuck your role model – choose to truly follow his/ her footsteps, by being your own person, and being your own role model. Because, I’m sure that they didn’t try to follow anyone’s footsteps!

A reiki student recently asked me ‘So after I learn Reiki, I will never fall sick and never have problems, right?’ I tried to suppress a smile as I told him that on the contrary, he might have more complex problems!

We regard problems like something external, an irritant or a hinderance that shouldn’t be there but somehow is, and must be removed ASAP. We couldn’t be more wrong. A problem is given to you, to help you learn a lesson the best way – hands on, and grow into a better human being. If you choose to turn around and face your problems instead of running away from them, you will gain a lot, and also learn lessons more easily.

Problems are like quicksand – the more you struggle, the deeper you get. What you need to do instead, is keep your cool, realise that this problem is a gift and not a punishment, and start working towards solving it.

Enemies are people we whole-heartedly despise, because they cause us problems and make our lives miserable. Lets take another look at it. I believe that your enemies do more for you, than your friends. These are people who do bad to you, and face negative consequences for them later on. All this for what? So that you learn more lessons, and grow faster!

The next time someone causes you problems, thank them for making your life miserable. For, it is these people who will help you take your life to the heights you only dream of today.

I came across a very interesting short story named ‘The Undomestic Goddess’, yesterday. It is the story of a very successful, top lawyer, who runs away from her life when she realises that she made a huge mistake. She takes up a job as a housekeeper in a small village, thinking that she’d go back the moment things were set right. Instead, she learns an entire new way of life – where the stress is absent and the weekends are free.

She later realises that she had been framed. She goes back and reclaims her dignity, but finally returns to her $500 per week housekeeper job, as opposed to the $500 per hour she was earning before.

It is a realisation that comes to a very select, lucky few. A lot of people I know, spend their youth toiling away day and night, oblivious to the meaning of fun, love and joy. Today, enjoyment means smoking a cigarette, downing half a dozen pegs, and letting ones hair down and partying. I genuinely pity people who have to knock themselves out of their senses so that they can pretend to themselves that they are enjoying.

We all celebrate Independence day here in India, but we are all still slaves. We are still so financially insecure, that we just want more and more money. Irrespective of what it costs us. A lot of people I know, are going to wake up one day, realise that they have nothing but money left with them anymore.

Ask yourself this question. If you died tomorrow, or even this very instant, would you regret it? If your answer is not a definite NO, you have some rethinking to do.

The Bhagwad Geeta says that youth is the time one should spend earning. Not just money, but relationships, love, respect and experience – of LIVING life. If all your money was lost today, would you have any other riches left?

“If I was in his place, I wouldn’t have done that” How often do we use that statement, albeit in different forms? It sounds very reassuring to make a statement like that, but the fact is, if we were in someone else’s place, we’d be doing exactly what they do, no matter how stupid it looks to us.

Every individual is a product of the circumstances in their past, both this life and the previous. Little things that happen during our childhood mould our outlook in life. When we undergo different types of experiences, we subconsciously form different types of opinions. As we grow older, we slowly form our behaviour pattern based on these instances. A child who had to cry out everytime he needed something, will grow up with the opinion that one never gets anything unless one throws a tantrum – and this is how he will deal with every similar circumstance.

Somewhere down the line though – when there is a change of environment or people, we need to unlearn these lessons and form new behaviour patterns again. This is where almost all of us falter. We reapply our childhood lessons to adult situations, and leave the door to misery wide open.

If someone reacts in a particular way to a situation, he has his entire past to blame for it. And therefore, if you ever comment that you would have reacted differently if you were someone else, think again. You are a product of a totally different set of circumstances.

Some of us are lucky to realize, that we don’t really have to be a product of our circumstances – we can choose to unlearn lessons, choose to learn lessons from others. Ironically, this realization too, is a product of our circumstances!