A student recently reached out to me recently with the following quote, asking me if this is true. He was especially concerned because he felt that conflict was pointless since all it would end up becoming was an endless argument. I share my response to the question in case it helps others.

IF YOU AVOID THE CONFLICT TO KEEP THE PEACE, YOU START A WAR INSIDE YOURSELF

Cheryl Richardson

It is a lovely question, and I think one that many might have. If only it were that simple – to fight or not to fight. It isn’t.

I think you might be confusing things here though. It doesn’t sound like you’re avoiding conflict to keep the peace here, but more because there is simply no point. If the other person is not invested in our happiness, there is absolutely no point in engaging with such a person, all we will find is arguments and excuses.

The key is to stop and ask a few questions.

1. What do I lose by keeping silent?
   Suppressing your own feelings makes you invisible in the relationship and you disappear basically, you don’t matter anymore in the relationship, your needs are irrelevant.
2. What do I lose by sharing my feelings?
   If sharing how you feel creates problems, then it usually means that the other person does not have your well being in mind. If there is fear of abuse upon sharing your perspective, then more action needs to be taken in order to protect yourself, because such a relationship can destroy you in many ways.
3. Do I intend to blame the other person or share how I feel (because no one disputes this other than narcissists, who freely tell you what you are thinking and feeling)
   Look carefully at whose problem it really is. Is it their problem? Is it your problem? Is it a joint problem? Are they violating boundaries or is this just an irritant?
4. Am I keeping quiet for their sake or mine?
   This is critical. Are you staying quiet because you’re getting something out of this? Are you doing it out of the fear of hurting the other person? And if this is the case, are they the sort of person who will not feel hurt if they realise they have been hurting you?